Perhaps it was because I considered myself to be a clever child and star pupil that I enjoyed Dahl's devious portraits of those less charming children that populate any and every school classroom. Like Matilda herself, I spent most of my time precociously reading, and could therefore think myself exempt from his, or my teacher's, opprobrium. I was in on the joke, sharing it with Dahl; I was not the butt of his jokes, surely?
Well, now I can look back and say I know better - know, in short, the whole despicably wonderful truth. For while the reports themselves, kept safe by my loving mother (like so many locks of hair, baby teeth, photographs and birthday cards), testify that I was a mature and helpful child, as a teacher myself I now understand their true nature and meaning. No, sadly, they are not oracles sent from Delphi bearing the tragic truth about your child; nor are they (to stay on the Sophocles theme) the key to the riddle of the Sphinx. They do not aim at truth, nor can they administer wise council on how precisely to turn your toad of a child into an Oxbridge-bound angel (or even, incestuous king). Far from it. As I look back simply on my younger self, I can see clearly that the appellation 'mature' - given with such alarming frequency to my six year old self - was really a mask for the whole range, surely, of less comfortable qualities spanning sensible, unsociably shy, and awkward with a sniff of superiority. What is more, as I labour through the writing of countless reports on my own students, I see the necessity for writing such spuriously glowing reports.
And it is not only I who encounter this difficulty. I was recently asked by my friend, a Spanish Tutor, how she could possibly render into nice English "she is all the time not listening." Hum, I replied, thinking for a minute. "Sophia would benefit from paying more attention in class?" "Ooh, I like it," she laughed with mischievous glee, quickly writing it down. "Tell me more." Well, just for you and any other bemused teachers out there needing a quick fix to the troublesome task of not telling the truth in their student reports, here is
The Art of Euphemism: Volume One
1. Omission: avoid comment
Remember the old adage "if you have nothing nice to say do not say anything at all"? This should be the first rule. Focus instead on Hard Facts, for example: This term was spent revising the past tense. Meaning: "Your child failed to understand it the first time, so we were forced to do it again." Vocabulary: "Christ, are you sure your child knows English?"
It does, however, leave a problem: what to put in criticism's place.
2. Embellish
Find a small detail and elaborate: Daisy participates in class. The definition of "participates" might be "to show up less than half an hour late," but it's a start. Likewise: Edgar responds well to the reading passages, meaning "he reads them aloud when forced." Then:
3. Make helpful suggestions
Daisy could benefit if she participated more actively in class: "If she just said something - anything at all! - it would at least break up the hour's silence."
Ling Ling should revise the work done in class to make effective progress: "One hour a week will never be enough to penetrate the depths of her ignorance."
Edgar should now work on putting emphasis into his spoken English: "His monotone reading frequently sends me into a coma from which I fear I will one day never emerge."
However, Daisy's case is perhaps better than the alternative, which leads us on to the next point:
3. Give praise
Flora shows much confidence in speaking in class. In other words, "Flora can't keep her mouth shut."
Sing Sing gives insightful readings of the poetry studied: "How he arrives at these interpretations is a mystery. It cannot be from understanding the actual words."
Easter takes careful notes in class: "I am worried she has OCD. Have you seen the size of her handwriting? It takes her hours to form a sentence, and even then its so small I can't read it!"
4. Make more helpful suggestions
Flora should seek to channel her abundant thoughts into her writing i.e. "keep them to herself."
Watching English-American films could help advance Apple's vocabulary: "I really can't be the one to keep explaining the Facts of Life to her."
5. If all else fails, resort to 1.
